


These Little Wonders

by msbittersweet



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot, teenage angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-16
Updated: 2013-02-16
Packaged: 2017-11-29 12:56:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/687202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msbittersweet/pseuds/msbittersweet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They wrestle to gain the upper hand, but this isn't like all those other play fights they've had. This time it's real. This time it hurts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Little Wonders

**Author's Note:**

> So, my first attempt at Kames, it takes place on BTAudition. I hope it doesn’t royally suck, or make you want to hit the back button, or spit all over your computer (what self-esteem problems?). Title is from the song These Small Hours by Rob Thomas. Feedback is appreciated!

“Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime, now grab onto that dream with both hands and go BIG TIME!”

James’s hands twitch with the urge to punch Kendall in his stupid face and make him eat his own stupid smile and pep talks. Then James feels the urge to hit himself because Kendall’s only being a good friend.

And as Kendall pushes him towards the looming gray doors, James feels grateful for having such awesome friends by his side. Although Logan’s traumatized expression hadn’t helped much.

James puffs up his chest, checks his hair and gets up on the intimidating stage that will define his entire life’s dream. He looks everywhere but at Gustavo Rocque and sings his damn heart out.

He’s smiling and gripping the microphone and singing like never before because this feels like something that he should be doing in front of millions of fans _,_ this feels _right_.

But apparently, not everyone thinks so. James can barely hear what Gustavo Rocque is saying because his ears are ringing and his stomach is burning from the inside out and his whole body won’t move and all he can think is ‘it’s over, I’m not good enough.’

James snaps out of it, though, when Kendall makes Gustavo Rocque literally fall off his chair by spitting some song to the man's face. And when the guards grab Kendall and Carlos joins in, James finally gets his body to move, because these are his friends and they’ll always come first to him (first even to the internal crisis James is having at being told ‘no’ to his dream and yeah, not thinking about that right now). So he jumps off the stage and lands on a guard and vaguely notices Logan and their neighbor hitting the guards.

And then they get arrested and brought to Mrs. Knight.

And now James is really sad.

He just got his dream wiped out in front of him in a very loud, very cruel way. But his friends don’t need to know just how sad James is. They don’t need to know that encouraging smiles and pats on the back and a catchy rude song won’t pull James out of the hole he has been steadily burying himself in. The rest of the night is a blur.

Then the doorbell rings, and it’s Gustavo Roque and James is so sure that this is his second chance. _So sure._ But, no. Because now James gets his dream stolen. By Kendall _fucking_ Knight.

He knows Kendall won’t go, knows Kendall wouldn’t do such a cruel thing. Because he’s Kendall.

That doesn’t stop James’s fury. Boiling blood and angry tears and clenched fists and James needs to get out. _Now_.

He runs away before anyone notices the other broken tea cup and the blood stains in it. He runs away before he breaks anything else. He runs away before he breaks down and cries himself dry in front of everyone.

The cold is making his lungs ache, but he doesn’t stop. If he stops now he won’t be able to keep going.

“James!”

James doesn’t falter, he doesn’t slow down and he doesn’t acknowledge the familiar voice calling out to him.

Kendall is the last person he wants to see right now.

“Damn it! Stop!”

James wants to tell him to fuck off, to leave him alone, to go to Hollywood and live James’s dream and never come back.

But he doesn’t, because then Kendall would say something stupidly self-sacrificing and James wants to be mad at him. He wants to resent Kendall for being better, he wants to hold his fists back from breaking Kendall’s nose, he wants to kick and scream and be _angry._

Just as James is cutting through the park that leads straight to his house he feels a body jump on his back and tackle him onto the cold, hard grounds of the park, his head bumping painfully against a small metal slide.

“What the fuck James!?”

Kendall is sitting on top of him, his breathing as labored as James’s. James looks at green, green eyes that shine with concern and he forces his anger to rise, his hands to clench.

“Get off of me, Kendall. _Now_!”

When Kendall doesn’t react instantly, James pushes him off roughly, feeling satisfied when he hears a pained grunt.

Just as he’s standing back up, though, Kendall tackles him again. James huffs in surprise, but he knew this would happen. He knew Kendall would run after him, he knew he wouldn’t let him leave and wallow in his misery alone. What James doesn’t know is if he wanted that to happen, if he _planned_ for it to happen and it scares him, scares him to think that he needs Kendall this much.

They wrestle to gain the upper hand, but this isn’t like all those other play-fights they’ve had. This time James elbows Kendall in the gut, and this time Kendall pulls James’s hair, and this time James kicks Kendall in the thigh and this time Kendall rams James’s head into the ground.

This time it’s real. This time it hurts.

But James is too slow, James is not good enough, James loses again.

He looks up at Kendall. Looks up at the person who stole what was his, the person who is always better, who is now _literally_ holding him down.

He looks at Kendall and loses it. He feels hot tears slide down his face, feels how the betrayal shines strongly in his eyes, feels how his whole body slumps in exhaustion but _not_ defeat.

“James…”

It’s spoken softly and James wants desperately to go back to furious.

“Shut up.”

The hands holding his wrists tighten, almost painfully, but James doesn’t wince, just closes his eyes and pretends not to notice that he can’t stop crying.

“James.”

This time it’s spoken with authority, and James’s first instinct is to defy it, but he just turns his head to the side and keeps his eyes closed.

“ _James_!”

 _Almost_ desperately, but not quite.

“What?”

The question is barely a breath, visible only in the cold air.

“Look at me.”

James scoffs. Kendall can go fuck himself.

“Fuck you.”

Kendall _should_ fuck himself. Because James is _angry_ , and Kendall needs to know that.

“No. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Then don’t. I’ve got all fucking night, it’s not like I’ve got a plane to catch tomorrow or anything.”

The quiet that comes after James’s poisonous words is heavy and suffocating. He doesn’t care if Kendall feels bad, _let him_. He should feel horrible.

“I’m not going, James. I wouldn’t do that.”

James wants to laugh, because he already _knew_ that. But that doesn’t fix anything, not when James’s opportunity was lost and taken and _gone_. Not when James feels this bad, this pained, this broken and bruised and _tired_. He shouldn’t feel like this.

So he shouts and kicks and struggles.

“So what? You fucking asshole! You _stole_ my dream. You always do this, you’re always better than me without even _tryin_ g. I’m tired of that bullshit, I’m tired of _you_.”

Kendall’s hold on him slackens in shock and James takes the opportunity and switches their positions. This time James is holding Kendall down, this time he has the upper hand. But James knows it won’t last long, it never does.

“You don’t want to go to Hollywood? Then don’t. But don’t expect me to forgive you. Don’t expect us to be friends after this.”

James didn’t really think about what he was saying, anger fueling his words, but the hurt and surprise in Kendall’s bright eyes make the words he just spit at him sink in. But James doesn’t take them back. He can’t.

“James, don’t say that.”

James just keeps quiet, he doesn’t know what to say or do. What if he just ended his friendship with Kendall? What if he actually meant it?

“You don’t mean it, James. You’re just angry.”

“Shut up.”

James hates that. That Kendall always knows what James is thinking, that he knows exactly what James wants to hear, that he knows what James will do and why and _everything_ about him. He feels naked with Kendall, he feels open and vulnerable and he hates it.

“We’ll always be friends. You _can’t_ change that.”

“Shut _up._ ”

“And you’ll get that record deal, even if it isn’t with Gustavo Rocque. And you won’t give up, and you’ll go to Hollywood and become famous.”

“…Stop.”

“And you’ll sing and dance and smile for millions of people. You’ll make it, James.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Just leave me alone.”

But even as James says that, he doesn’t let Kendall go. Because this is exactly what James needs. James needs to hear this, know that someone other than himself believes in him.

Kendall takes advantage of James’s hesitancy and pulls him down, hugging him. James struggles faintly, but he doesn’t mean it, and Kendall knows that, too.

“I’m sorry you didn’t get the deal.”

“I’m sorry I was a dick.”

They stay there for a while. Lying next to each other on the hard ground, wrapped around familiar arms.

James feels the resentment drain out of him, leaving him only with exhaustion and deep sadness.

“I’m sad.”

“I know.”

But James doesn’t want to feel like this. He wants someone to fix this, to make him feel something else, and who better than Kendall Knight?

“Make me forget about it.”

James isn’t surprised to feel the body next to him tense. He realizes what he just said, what he implied with his words. He doesn’t take them back, though. He can’t.

“… I don’t know how.”

Kendall’s always been terrible at lying to him. Or maybe James has just always been great at catching Kendall in his lies. Or maybe it’s a little bit of both.

“Yes you do.”

James has always been able to see when Kendall will take the risk and when he won’t. It’s not usual that Kendall backs away from something, but it happens. And most of the time, it involves James. Most of the time it’s because James pushes too far.

This time he won’t push Kendall. This time he’ll do it himself.

James acts fast, he jumps up and sits on Kendall, takes Kendall’s face in his cold hands and smashes his lips against Kendall’s chapped ones. It’s not until then that James slows down.

James leans his head to the side, molds his lips against Kendall’s the way he knows is best. When he feels Kendall give a shaky sigh, James parts his lips and kisses Kendall the way he’s been waiting to do.

James feels light, empty of useless things like bones and muscles and organs. He feels that the only thing still left inside of him is his heart., weighing tons and pressing him down back to earth, keeping him from floating away.

He pulls away after a while and breathes in oxygen that tastes like Kendall.

“What was that?”

Green eyes stare at him, and it’s the first time James has seen Kendall like this. Nervous and cautious and maybe even scared.

“You know what that was. A kiss.”

James stares back, and he stays there until he sees Kendall smile. He closes his eyes and laughs, wanting to sing when he hears Kendall laugh with him.

He stands up and pulls Kendall next to him. Kendall takes his hand and walks him home, and James will feel embarrassed as soon as he stops feeling the urge to jump and scream.

“Hey, meet me at work tomorrow.”

James was already planning to, but the fact that Kendall asked him to makes James suspicious.

“Why?”

“You’ll see.”

James narrows his eyes at Kendall for a moment, not failing to see the way Kendall tries to stop a laugh.

“Fine.”

Kendall smiles and his eyes shine and James goes breathless and he feels a little pathetic. But Kendall leans in slowly and kisses James on the corner of his mouth before leaving.

Who cares about Gustavo Rocque anyway? James will find another record producer, a _better_ one, and he’ll write songs and sing them to hundreds, no, millions of fans and he’ll look at the front line and see Kendall there.

-

“I’m Gustavo Rocque! I’m amazing! _I’m amazing._ And if you think for one second that I’m so desperate because I’ve toured twenty-two cities and haven’t been able to find anybody, you can think again! Because there is no way, _no way_ , Gustavo Rocque is taking four dogs from Minnesota to Los Angeles to make them stars! It’s never gonna happen! _Never!”_

“So we have a deal?”

“Yep.”

-

 _Ok._ Well, that went better than expected.

James leans back on the lawn chair, adjusts his sunglasses and takes a sip from his coconut water.

This is going to be great.


End file.
